there is no right or wrong

so that's what a year full of nappy changing feels like.. just kidding.. I dont know, may be too many things were going on in my life, #lame ass excuse for not writing anything the past year.. no doubt I regret that.

Anyhooo, off late we had to take him off the day care for few months due to the number of bugs he was picking up. Got me worried seriously! thankfully in laws were 'vetti' enough to come around and baby sit him.. and now he is back to day care days, although a totally new and an awesome one. 

but I have started to get mixed thoughts about sending him to day care, I know the usual reasons behind sending or not sending a baby to day care.  

I am sure this is nothing new and most parents would have gone through.. but when I see him helplessly crying out for me leaving him there.. it feels like the biggest betrayal of life. as soon as we step into the day care he realizes whats going to happen next and he tries to rectify by looking me in the eye and utter all his beautiful words he has learned, like 'out', 'bye bye', 'straight' (pointing me to the door), 'momma'..  there is probably a handful of words in his vocab and he speaks them all out at this point trying best to convince me. I try my best to not break down. Its fucking hard! I enter his play room and I see his nannies smiling and greeting him but he is not happy, grabs me so tight with all that insecurity I feel his pain. back of my mind, I keep reminding myself 'all for greater good' but.. is it worth the pain every single day??? 

I feel what he goes through, I totally understand him from head to toe even if he doesn't speak much, I can sense all his emotions from his eyes and this makes my job way too difficult. So with a blind faith I am continuing this act of trauma. all for a better tomorrow - you better be good!

on a side note, what totally gets me is in the evening when I see at home (of course the mommy gets the nicest things like picking him from day care) my eyes are filled with guilt and I almost apologize to him for putting him through the morning trauma and of course my whole day I just have the sight of him crying out miserably and me leaving him behind helplessly. but wait, what I get to see is him running to me as fast as he could and asking me for more play and fun time!!! not one bit he is upset. I wish he lives all his life with this sort of heart!