there is no right or wrong

so that's what a year full of nappy changing feels like.. just kidding.. I dont know, may be too many things were going on in my life, #lame ass excuse for not writing anything the past year.. no doubt I regret that.

Anyhooo, off late we had to take him off the day care for few months due to the number of bugs he was picking up. Got me worried seriously! thankfully in laws were 'vetti' enough to come around and baby sit him.. and now he is back to day care days, although a totally new and an awesome one. 

but I have started to get mixed thoughts about sending him to day care, I know the usual reasons behind sending or not sending a baby to day care.  

I am sure this is nothing new and most parents would have gone through.. but when I see him helplessly crying out for me leaving him there.. it feels like the biggest betrayal of life. as soon as we step into the day care he realizes whats going to happen next and he tries to rectify by looking me in the eye and utter all his beautiful words he has learned, like 'out', 'bye bye', 'straight' (pointing me to the door), 'momma'..  there is probably a handful of words in his vocab and he speaks them all out at this point trying best to convince me. I try my best to not break down. Its fucking hard! I enter his play room and I see his nannies smiling and greeting him but he is not happy, grabs me so tight with all that insecurity I feel his pain. back of my mind, I keep reminding myself 'all for greater good' but.. is it worth the pain every single day??? 

I feel what he goes through, I totally understand him from head to toe even if he doesn't speak much, I can sense all his emotions from his eyes and this makes my job way too difficult. So with a blind faith I am continuing this act of trauma. all for a better tomorrow - you better be good!

on a side note, what totally gets me is in the evening when I see at home (of course the mommy gets the nicest things like picking him from day care) my eyes are filled with guilt and I almost apologize to him for putting him through the morning trauma and of course my whole day I just have the sight of him crying out miserably and me leaving him behind helplessly. but wait, what I get to see is him running to me as fast as he could and asking me for more play and fun time!!! not one bit he is upset. I wish he lives all his life with this sort of heart! 

another best moment from recent times

It feels wonderful to wake up to a soft touch or a pat on your cheeks, you open your eyes and see the most generous smile in the world.. super happy for just being in the middle of his mum and dad... wonder how much joy it brings him by just lying between us - after all we are the only two faces he trusts right now.. 

#priceless 

reminder to self

sorry for being so abstract.. but this post is more like a reminder to my future self for creating a family tree (both sides) for our baby. He should at the least know his father and mother's siblings, including cousins that is. 

- I cant believe my own thought ! 
I see what my father would have meant when I was young

miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby,
miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby,
miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby,
miss the baby miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby, miss the baby...

-crazy dad

He talked to us yesterday.. for a brief moment.. he knows how to get pavy’s attention or mine and then he converses making eye to eye contact,.. which we don’t understand one bit.. still a killer .. 

short term memory loss @ week 22

every day, there is a new experience and we are just loving the whole thing.. absolutely precious moments.

me and her have always been more random than we would have imagined. With Neel its kind of difficult this way, but we still managed to pull it through, this is something that any elderly couple or parents wouldn't approve of.. anyway, the way Neel reacts to being out and about is that he just goes silent, probably to his own world with his buggy toys.. he obviously doesn't enjoy being out of his usual cycle and more importantly with no one playing with him, he gets a little lonely I believe.. I get that totally.. but we have our lives too.. so when and where possible I come closer to him and make eye contact with him.. as soon as he sees me - he smiles, then after a sustained eye contact - he gets into a better mood with talking and wiggling his hands and playing.. thats heart filling for me.. I melt down right there.. like to hell with shopping and eating out.. lets just go back home and play.. that's all I would want to do. I love this stage, its like he has forgiven you for not playing enough with him with just one smile.. that's like a complete game changer..  

On the hand, there are times when he is pissed of about something and you dont exactly know what he wants.. so you try and do different things to calm him down.. and he does calm down and smile eventually, but then as soon as you stop he goes back to being wanky.. seriously, this dude has got short term memory loss.. which works both ways for us!!.. 

help me

It feels natural and accomplished to be able to get what the baby wants, but there is always a concern about the future in this path..  a bigger worry - to figure out a way to turn him down when its not his time, without losing him one bit.. I guess its one of the million worries a parent has to deal with!